My Pregnancy, My Truth

So, it’s been a while since I wrote a post.
I found out at the end of November that I’m pregnant, a complete miracle! It was such a wonderful surprise. I still haven’t completely got my head round it all, and I think that’s why I’m writing this, so bear with me.

In the summer of 2015 I had a missed miscarriage, which means you don’t know anything is wrong. I only found out from an early scan when I was told there was no heartbeat. The worst thing to be told. I don’t think you ever get over such a loss, but you learn to carry on eventually. This loss was yet another reason why finding out I’m pregnant again was such a beautiful shock, but slightly heartbreaking too. There’s definite guilt that I’m pregnant. I will never forget my first baby. My husband and I talk about them often and like to think they are looking over this baby. I have a little angel on a necklace that I wear every day to remember our little angel. They will always be part of our family.

Being pregnant is overwhelming. I naively never thought it would affect me like this. It’s exciting, exhausting and terrifying. Truly terrifying. I worry every day. What if something goes wrong? What if the baby doesn’t make it? God forbid.
Then I think what if the baby doesn’t like me? What if I’m a terrible Mum?
What if something happens to my husband? I would be lost without him and I couldn’t do this on my own. He’s my rock, my everything. I feel closer to him than ever, which I love, but I worry about him more, which I hate.
I know there are extra hormones in my system right now, but everything just feels tough. Having anxiety doesn’t help, and as much as people tell you it will all be ok, there are times when it doesn’t feel like it will. Most days the anxiety isn’t too bad, but at the moment it’s kicking in a bit too much. I know how to control it, mostly, but I never underestimate the way it can catch me off guard and throw me off course.

I’ve always had an issue with my weight so this beautiful growing bump is taking some getting used to. I’m actually eating better than I have in a long time, and haven’t been craving naughty foods, but I feel very self conscious. I am proud of my bump but again it’s something new and different that takes some adjusting to.

This isn’t meant to read as me moaning as believe me I am so happy. I just don’t see many people saying they’re worried/overwhelmed/terrified. I have always been honest on here and I’m not going to change that now.

So, I have around 16 weeks to go until things truly change forever. By August there will be a little person here and I just hope I am good enough to look after them and be a good Mum.

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One Year On – The True Meaning of Marriage

It’s just over one year since I married the most amazing man, and the time really has flown by. I know everyone who gets married says it, but the day was over in a flash. I would quite happily do it all again as I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy. It was just the best day ever.

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Before we got married we had been engaged for over 2 years, and together for over 4 1/2, so I didn’t really think anything would change. Without sounding completely cheesy I have to say things have changed, but only for the better. I do feel closer to my husband than ever before. I feel like we are a fully formed, fully functioning team who always have each other’s back, who would do absolutely anything for each other, and who will stick together no matter what. He is my other half, my better half, my everything.

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Marriage wasn’t something I ever really gave much thought to before, but now I get it. I love being Mrs Campion. I am extremely proud of my husband, still smile when I say that, and marrying him was the easiest and best decision I have ever made.

All relationships go though tough times whether it’s family/health/work related, but knowing that you have someone to go through it with, and hopefully come out stronger on the other side, makes it all a little less daunting.

So thank you Mr Campion for being my husband. I love you! XXX

UK Blog Awards

Hello everyone! I hope you are well.

I decided to enter my blog into the UK Blog Awards, for some crazy reason! If you like you can click here to vote! I would be very grateful!

I feel as though I’ve made some great progress in the 2 1/2 years that I’ve been writing the blog, although I know there’s lots for me to learn and plenty I can do to improve. For now though I’m pretty happy with what I’ve achieved.

I hope you still enjoy reading my posts. Always happy for your input if there are things you think I could cover.

 

New Year, Old Me Please

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a lovely time.

In my last post, I mentioned how I wasn’t exactly looking forward to Christmas, due to my loss in July. Well, it wasn’t the best time. In fact it was really bloody tough. I was sick, which didn’t help, but that wasn’t the issue. I have always loved Christmas, but this was different. It felt as though excitement had been replaced by sadness. I cried, just the once, but it was enough.

Every year on Christmas Eve I go to Church with my parents. This time was awful. From the moment we arrived I wanted to leave. My stomach was in knots, my chest felt like it would explode. My anxiety was just in overdrive. I’ve always found myself getting very emotional in Church and I don’t know why, but this was different, worse. I was so happy to leave. It actually makes me sad to write that, but unfortunately it’s the truth.

Having a break from work was great. I managed to turn my work head off and not think about it (mostly!), and I definitely noticed an improvement in my moods and overall state of mind. I think a break from the constant emails, requests and random chattiness did me good. So I felt ready, well as much as you can at 6am, to go back today. It didn’t last long though. Unfortunately for me there’s a lady at work who’s pregnant and is now showing. That’s lovely for her (and I am happy for her) but the minute I saw her bump, and everyone started beaming and cooing over her, that pang of pain and anxiety hit me like a lightning bolt in my chest. The urge to cry and run away was almost too much to bear. I managed to hold it together, but that pain, right in the middle of my chest, lingered for hours. I am not resentful, let’s just get that straight right now. I should be on maternity leave as I write this. I should be waiting excitedly for my little one to arrive in the next few weeks. Instead I’m grieving and I can’t ‘just move on’. I wish I could. Anyone who has lost someone knows that feeling, right?

I really want the old me back. I want to be happy (there’s that naivety again), I just want the damn anxiety to F off if I’m being completely honest. For now though let’s just get through each day. Let’s make it to the weekend without crying and never wanting to go back to work.

Send me virtual positive thoughts please lovely people.

A Cheeky Request

Hello everyone and happy December!

So, this is not my usual kind of post, and I’m a little embarrassed to even put this out.

Following my post for Tommy’s #misCOURAGE campaign, the lovely people who work for the charity have put me forward an award, something I’m really surprised about as I didn’t expect it.

It’s called The Séraphine Mum’s Voice Award, and the purpose of it is to celebrate a mum who has spoken out about her own pregnancy experience and given hope to others.
Just writing the word Mum makes me emotional as I don’t think I ever allowed myself to consider I was one even though I was pregnant. I was too scared of anything going wrong before it did, so the idea of seeing myself as a ‘Mum to be’ felt too presumptuous.

Anyway, I’m very honoured that the people at Tommy’s thought about me for this award. I’m not expecting to make the shortlist. For me, knowing that sharing my experience might have helped someone feel less alone during such a heartbreaking time is more than enough.

However! If for some crazy reason you would like to nominate me for the shortlist, can you please email mumsvoice@tommys.org (ideally with the subject line as ‘Fairey Clarey’) – and a sentence or two on why you think I should be shortlisted.The closing date is 23rd December.

Thank you for reading, and if you do nominate me then you’re mad, but thank you very much! x