Who Am I?

I have wanted to write this post for some time, but the mixture of baby brain, complete tiredness and no free time have meant it’s fallen by the wayside, until now.

So, today my little miracle girl is 9 months old. I can’t believe it. It’s been a complete whirlwind. Every day is filled with laughter, cuddles and new experiences, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. It hasn’t been easy though. For the first 6 weeks I was constantly anxious. I was convinced she hated me and that everything I did was wrong. I couldn’t see passed the next bottle, let alone the next week or month. But, I got there, slowly, but eventually.

I now love every day we have together. I still don’t really know what I’m doing, but that self-doubt, endless worry and feeling of hopelessness have subsided. What’s left however, is a real lack of identity. It feels as though everything in my life has changed, and most definitely for the better, but I can’t remember what I was like before my daughter arrived. I was still anxious and full of negative comments about myself, but I knew what I was doing. My routine is so different to when I was working, which isn’t a bad thing, yet I feel as though I’m in a kind of no man’s land. I can go from loving life to dreading the future in minutes. I have no filter anymore. If someone pisses me off I’m much more likely to tell them. I don’t have time for pretending, or worrying what other people think, and yet at the same time I dread people thinking badly of me. I’m a walking contradiction.

One of my biggest issues is the way I look, always has been. I have no confidence, and seem to base a lot of my self-worth on body image. I have no idea when, how or why this started, but it’s deep rooted and really does impact on me every day. I then get so angry at myself for thinking like that. I mean I have qualifications, I have a good job, I think I’m pretty funny, I’m extremely loyal and protective of my friends, and I care, about everything, except myself. I can’t even say it’s a ‘Mum thing’ as I’ve always been like this. I know lots of people have similar issues, and I’m not writing this for sympathy. I am just much more aware of my lack of self-worth and I am desperate to fix it.

Becoming a Mum has made me a stronger person in a lot of ways, and I think even more resolute, and yet if someone paid me a compliment I would be so uncomfortable that I would want to run away. Sarcasm is my defense mechanism. Ironically I’m often told I come across as confident, but I know that is because I deliberately put myself in situations I am comfortable with. If I was out of my comfort zone I doubt those who know me would recognize me.

So, is this ‘just’ a new Mum thing, or is it more than that?

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I Forgot

How could I?

The realisation hit me last night, and I feel floored. Our little angel would have been 2 this week, and I forgot. There is no excuse.

Losing that baby was the worst thing to ever happen to me, to us. We were broken for so long. Then in July of last year our miracle rainbow girl came along and saved us. But until this week I’ve never forgotten about our angel. I feel horrible realising what I’ve done. If it was someone else saying this I’d be telling them to not to be so hard on themselves, but this is me, queen of being too hard on myself.

So, I’ve had major anxiety since I realised. My stomach is in knots, that awful unsettled feeling that won’t go away. I couldn’t sleep last night. My mind was working on overdrive, so today I feel like utter shit. I feel sick. Not like normal nausea, but that guilt ridden, anxiety sickness that hasn’t been around in quite some time.

I could quite easily sit and stare into space, as long as I don’t have to do anything or move. I have no energy. I’ve gone from 100 to 0. I’m sure this is just a blip but god it’s horrid.

Hoping tomorrow is a more positive, and less anxious day.

Nutri Advanced 30 Day Energy Boost Programme – Outcome

Just over one month ago, I started a 30 day programme to work on improving my energy levels with Nutri Advanced. I was so desperate for any kind of help to give me some sort of energy that I had very high expectations of undertaking the programme.

Let’s be honest, there’s no quick fix. However, I have to say I do feel better. Looking back on my first post, I am happy to say I’ve pretty much stuck to all of the principles of the programme, and felt the benefits. I still need to drink more water though! As a reminder the 5 principles of the programme are:

  • Reduce caffeine and alcohol intake by half
  • Set a consistent going to bed and waking routine
  • Aim to do 30 minutes of exercise 3 times per week
  • Take MegaMag Energen Plus daily
  • Follow the Top 5 Food Tips and stick to energy-increasing foods

At the start of the programme, I completed the health symptoms questionnaire. This involved rating my symptoms from 0-4 (0 being never and 4 being frequent) based on my typical health over the last month. My total score on day 1 was 121, and that wasn’t good! Unsurprisingly my worst score was for energy. The very good news is that after 30 days of following the programme I completed the questionnaire again and scored 56, and the energy score had decreased from 42 to 16. I’m really pleased with this especially as I had completely forgotten what my first score was, so there was no way I could cheat!

My aim is to continue to stick to the 5 principles of the programme, and introduce more exercise into my daily routine. I also might just make another batch of that delicious peanut butter granola too.

I want to say a big thank you to Nutri Advanced for including me in this energy boost programme. A great way to end the year!

Nutri Advanced 30 Day Energy Boost Programme – Part 2

I am half way through my 30 day energy boost programme, so wanted to update you on my progress. In my first post, I explained the 5 essential principles I have to stick to during the programme, which are:

  • Reduce caffeine and alcohol intake by half
  • Set a consistent going to bed and waking routine
  • Aim to do 30 minutes of exercise 3 times per week
  • Take MegaMag Energen Plus daily
  • Follow the Top 5 Food Tips and stick to energy-increasing foods

I am happy to report that I have stuck to these principles for the last 2 weeks! Reducing caffeine hasn’t been that much of a problem as I was already used to drinking decaf tea. I’m not much of an alcohol drinker, so that hasn’t been difficult to reduce. I tend to go to bed not long after my daughter, who is 4 months old, and wake up when she does so that’s pretty consistent. I take her out for a walk every day for at least 30 minutes, so am managing the exercise. I’m obviously taking the MegaMag Energen Plus every day, more info on that to follow. I have also increased my intake of energy inducing foods. Again, more info on that shortly.

The MegaMag Energen Plus is a powder formula that mixes with water and is very easy to make and drink! It is raspberry flavoured and the powder dissolves easily with water.

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I do feel as though my energy levels are starting to increase and becoming more consistent, which is a definite plus for me. Someone even commented the other day that I looked better and seemed to have more energy, which is definitely not something I hear a lot at the moment!
In terms of energy boosting foods, I am currently addicted to peanut butter on pretty much everything. There was a recipe in the booklet I received for a homemade peanut butter granola, so I had to try that. The lovely people at Nutri Advanced sent me all of the ingredients, so I really had no excuse!

Thankfully it’s a very easy recipe and the whole process took less than 30 minutes.

It’s not the most exciting photo in the world, but I wish you could smell and taste it. The massive downside to this recipe is that you will want to eat ALL OF IT in one go! It goes really well with some greek yoghurt and banana.
So, that’s where I’m up to. I have 2 more weeks to go until the end of the programme, but I know already that I want to stick with the MegaMag Energen Plus. It’s such a quick way to get my intake of certain nutrients that I have clearly been lacking.
You can follow me on Twitter for quick updates, and I’ll write another review in a couple of weeks!

 

Self care as a new Mum

Before my beautiful little rainbow girl arrived at the end of July, I took a lot of little things for granted. For instance:

  • A hot shower. I know, mad right! But OMG it is hard to find the time, plus the Mum guilt! I cannot even begin to tell you how bad that is! If I leave her for even five minutes I feel bad, but she’s either with her Daddy or her Grandma, so why do I worry?! Anyway, back to the list.
  • Manicures! Oh I miss my lovely, sparkly nails. They have been replaced by chewed stumps. I’m not over exaggerating. They’re a mess!
  • A lie in. OK, I knew that one would go, and I hadn’t had a proper night’s sleep in months, due to feeling like a beached whale, but the sleep deprivation is probably the hardest one to get used to.
  • A hot drink. Once that beautiful bundle is in your arms, you don’t want to put them down, so if someone does make you a hot drink then chances are it will be lukewarm at best by the time you get around to drinking it.

The above might seem trivial, but the message behind it isn’t. Becoming a parent is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but it’s also the hardest. I wouldn’t change it for anything, but I have realised the importance of looking after yourself. It is far too easy to keep pushing yourself to keep going and going, but that’s only going to end one way, badly. You have to give yourself a break, even if it’s just ten minutes to have that hot shower. You will feel so much better afterwards.

I think one of the best things you can do for yourself is talk to someone if you’re struggling. I have a few friends who had babies around the same time, and being able to tell them all of my neurotic worries always helps as they’ve usually had the same ones. I still have lots of freak outs about whether I’m doing things right, but when I manage to think logically for more than ten seconds I realise I am.

At times it can feel incredibly lonely as a new parent, but there is such a huge network of people out there willing to listen and help, including me, so remember you are NOT alone, and you CAN do this.