I have wanted to write this post for some time, but the mixture of baby brain, complete tiredness and no free time have meant it’s fallen by the wayside, until now.
So, today my little miracle girl is 9 months old. I can’t believe it. It’s been a complete whirlwind. Every day is filled with laughter, cuddles and new experiences, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. It hasn’t been easy though. For the first 6 weeks I was constantly anxious. I was convinced she hated me and that everything I did was wrong. I couldn’t see passed the next bottle, let alone the next week or month. But, I got there, slowly, but eventually.
I now love every day we have together. I still don’t really know what I’m doing, but that self-doubt, endless worry and feeling of hopelessness have subsided. What’s left however, is a real lack of identity. It feels as though everything in my life has changed, and most definitely for the better, but I can’t remember what I was like before my daughter arrived. I was still anxious and full of negative comments about myself, but I knew what I was doing. My routine is so different to when I was working, which isn’t a bad thing, yet I feel as though I’m in a kind of no man’s land. I can go from loving life to dreading the future in minutes. I have no filter anymore. If someone pisses me off I’m much more likely to tell them. I don’t have time for pretending, or worrying what other people think, and yet at the same time I dread people thinking badly of me. I’m a walking contradiction.
One of my biggest issues is the way I look, always has been. I have no confidence, and seem to base a lot of my self-worth on body image. I have no idea when, how or why this started, but it’s deep rooted and really does impact on me every day. I then get so angry at myself for thinking like that. I mean I have qualifications, I have a good job, I think I’m pretty funny, I’m extremely loyal and protective of my friends, and I care, about everything, except myself. I can’t even say it’s a ‘Mum thing’ as I’ve always been like this. I know lots of people have similar issues, and I’m not writing this for sympathy. I am just much more aware of my lack of self-worth and I am desperate to fix it.
Becoming a Mum has made me a stronger person in a lot of ways, and I think even more resolute, and yet if someone paid me a compliment I would be so uncomfortable that I would want to run away. Sarcasm is my defense mechanism. Ironically I’m often told I come across as confident, but I know that is because I deliberately put myself in situations I am comfortable with. If I was out of my comfort zone I doubt those who know me would recognize me.
So, is this ‘just’ a new Mum thing, or is it more than that?