So, it’s been a while since I wrote a post.
I found out at the end of November that I’m pregnant, a complete miracle! It was such a wonderful surprise. I still haven’t completely got my head round it all, and I think that’s why I’m writing this, so bear with me.
In the summer of 2015 I had a missed miscarriage, which means you don’t know anything is wrong. I only found out from an early scan when I was told there was no heartbeat. The worst thing to be told. I don’t think you ever get over such a loss, but you learn to carry on eventually. This loss was yet another reason why finding out I’m pregnant again was such a beautiful shock, but slightly heartbreaking too. There’s definite guilt that I’m pregnant. I will never forget my first baby. My husband and I talk about them often and like to think they are looking over this baby. I have a little angel on a necklace that I wear every day to remember our little angel. They will always be part of our family.
Being pregnant is overwhelming. I naively never thought it would affect me like this. It’s exciting, exhausting and terrifying. Truly terrifying. I worry every day. What if something goes wrong? What if the baby doesn’t make it? God forbid.
Then I think what if the baby doesn’t like me? What if I’m a terrible Mum?
What if something happens to my husband? I would be lost without him and I couldn’t do this on my own. He’s my rock, my everything. I feel closer to him than ever, which I love, but I worry about him more, which I hate.
I know there are extra hormones in my system right now, but everything just feels tough. Having anxiety doesn’t help, and as much as people tell you it will all be ok, there are times when it doesn’t feel like it will. Most days the anxiety isn’t too bad, but at the moment it’s kicking in a bit too much. I know how to control it, mostly, but I never underestimate the way it can catch me off guard and throw me off course.
I’ve always had an issue with my weight so this beautiful growing bump is taking some getting used to. I’m actually eating better than I have in a long time, and haven’t been craving naughty foods, but I feel very self conscious. I am proud of my bump but again it’s something new and different that takes some adjusting to.
This isn’t meant to read as me moaning as believe me I am so happy. I just don’t see many people saying they’re worried/overwhelmed/terrified. I have always been honest on here and I’m not going to change that now.
So, I have around 16 weeks to go until things truly change forever. By August there will be a little person here and I just hope I am good enough to look after them and be a good Mum.