I haven’t written anything for far too long. Things have got in the way, but that’s no excuse really.
I’m currently trying to put into sensible words how I feel after a pretty shitty 24 hours. Apart from the fact I’ve been in pain since the middle of last night (but I’ll come back to that), I am also so unbelievably angry and upset right now that I’m physically shaking.
I like to think I’m a nice person. I’m polite, I make an effort with everyone I meet, I try to make people feel welcome. I like to make other people happy. I hate seeing anyone upset or hurt. I would never willingly hurt someone else. So, when after making an effort for a few months to make someone feel welcome and as though they have a friend, sharing personal information to show they aren’t alone, and giving up time to help them, you would expect that it would be reciprocated, or at least appreciated. Not this time. Instead, I feel completely used and humiliated. I also thought I was an adult and didn’t have to deal with childish behaviour from another adult. Clearly I was wrong.
Without going in to too much detail, someone I thought would eventually be a good friend decided to lie to my face yesterday when I asked if everything was OK, and waited until they could hide behind their phone to tell me I’d crossed a line. I mean I’d laugh if I wasn’t so furious. Apparently me being friendly was me essentially coming on to this person. I’m trying so hard not to swear right now, but it’s just ridiculous. If talking about my mental health, my low self esteem and the worst time of my life (my miscarriage), along with spending time offering advice and helping this person’s other half to find a job, constitutes as flirting, then I am clearly behind the times. I thought that was empathy and friendship. I also think they’re a complete coward.
I have spent the last 24 hours doubting myself and everything I thought I knew. I now don’t really want to talk to anyone in case anything I say is taken the wrong way. I am the first to admit that I can be cheeky but only ever in a fun way. I know I go on about being in love with Tom Hardy, but who doesn’t like a celebrity. That’s normal. I can be silly and loud, but most of the time that is an act to cover up my low mood, low self esteem and crippling anxiety. It’s easier to pretend things are OK than put the effort in to explaining the reality. It’s really tiring.
On top of this I’ve been in pain since 2am due to a flare up of my PCOS. It’s more than likely an ovarian cyst but it really, really hurts, and not just in my side. I’m bloated and tired, and keep getting stabbing pains all round my pelvis and stomach. I can usually deal with this, but right now I just feel defeated. The only positive I can give you is that I haven’t cried.
I spoke to my therapist a few months ago about feeling let down by people when they didn’t meet my expectations, and he said what if you didn’t have any expectations? I couldn’t get my head around that idea. For whatever reason I seem to be programmed to have these ridiculously high expectations of myself, and somehow assume everyone else has the same. In answer to his question, I said that would be awful, as I somehow associated having no expectations with having no hope. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s how my head works.
So, right now I am fed up, tired, sore both physically and emotionally, and disappointed. I don’t want to change who I am, but situations like this really make me doubt myself and question everything.