Distractions only work for so long, meaning that inevitably, the pain you are ignoring hits you twice as hard. It’s palpable, in my stomach and chest. I feel sick, can’t sleep, constant headaches, and an urge to run as far away as possible. These awful feelings won’t go away. It’s draining. I’m good at pretending when I’m at work as it’s easy. There are people around to talk to about meaningless nonsense, and I can put on my ‘act’. But even that is becoming hard work. I feel as though I’ve run out of words.
I’m not good at relaxing, meaning I feel as though I’m in a constant state of stress and my best enemy, anxiety, is ever present. If you have ever suffered with anxiety, then you know what I mean. If you haven’t experienced it, then imagine the most scared you have ever felt, throw in breathing issues, a literal pain in your chest and the most desperate urge to run away. Throw in the complete lack of ability to think of how to deal with the situation, and you are some way to understanding the very basics of anxiety.
Failure is a good word to describe, in part, how I feel. Of course I blame myself. Who wouldn’t? Just when I feel as though I’m dealing with things, and edging towards acceptance, I hit the ‘go back 10 paces’ step, and it all unravels, again.
So, what now? I honestly do not know. Any ideas?