Not sure why I’m writing this…

or how I’m meant to feel at the moment. I don’t think I feel anything. Is that right? Is it wrong? Is it that I feel nothing, or is it that I feel numb? Numbness has definitely been present a lot over the last 7 months. Maybe that’s a self protection/preservation thing, I don’t know. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this. I just felt like a follow on from this morning’s post would be good.

Getting to this point has been my focus since last July, but now I’m here I’m not sure what happens next. It’s like the next chapter hasn’t been written and I have no idea how to start it. I have felt stuck for so long and it’s pretty daunting realising that I made it to this point because I hadn’t thought beyond it. Does that even make sense?

I will never forget what happened. I don’t want to, it is a part of me. I suppose I want to get to that last stage of grief, acceptance, and then see what happens next. I want to be grateful for what I have and stop wasting time worrying over things that don’t really matter. I want to be easier on myself, stop with the pressure, enjoy life.

I am a control freak who has felt completely out of control for 7 months, and I need that control back. Not want, need. I need order, routine. Only then can I move forwards. I feel like a small part of the old me has returned, and that makes everything a little bit easier. As long as that continues to return then I think I’ll be OK.

To everyone who has supported me with your kind words, offers of support and hugs, thank you. I don’t think I can ever say just how much you have helped me, but you really have. I’m still going to need that support if it’s still there, but please know how much I appreciate it, and that the offer of support should you ever need it is always here.

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