Happy New Year everyone! I hope you had a lovely time.
In my last post, I mentioned how I wasn’t exactly looking forward to Christmas, due to my loss in July. Well, it wasn’t the best time. In fact it was really bloody tough. I was sick, which didn’t help, but that wasn’t the issue. I have always loved Christmas, but this was different. It felt as though excitement had been replaced by sadness. I cried, just the once, but it was enough.
Every year on Christmas Eve I go to Church with my parents. This time was awful. From the moment we arrived I wanted to leave. My stomach was in knots, my chest felt like it would explode. My anxiety was just in overdrive. I’ve always found myself getting very emotional in Church and I don’t know why, but this was different, worse. I was so happy to leave. It actually makes me sad to write that, but unfortunately it’s the truth.
Having a break from work was great. I managed to turn my work head off and not think about it (mostly!), and I definitely noticed an improvement in my moods and overall state of mind. I think a break from the constant emails, requests and random chattiness did me good. So I felt ready, well as much as you can at 6am, to go back today. It didn’t last long though. Unfortunately for me there’s a lady at work who’s pregnant and is now showing. That’s lovely for her (and I am happy for her) but the minute I saw her bump, and everyone started beaming and cooing over her, that pang of pain and anxiety hit me like a lightning bolt in my chest. The urge to cry and run away was almost too much to bear. I managed to hold it together, but that pain, right in the middle of my chest, lingered for hours. I am not resentful, let’s just get that straight right now. I should be on maternity leave as I write this. I should be waiting excitedly for my little one to arrive in the next few weeks. Instead I’m grieving and I can’t ‘just move on’. I wish I could. Anyone who has lost someone knows that feeling, right?
I really want the old me back. I want to be happy (there’s that naivety again), I just want the damn anxiety to F off if I’m being completely honest. For now though let’s just get through each day. Let’s make it to the weekend without crying and never wanting to go back to work.
Send me virtual positive thoughts please lovely people.