I love Christmas. Always have. The excitement of buying surprise gifts for loved ones, writing endless amounts of cards and getting covered in glitter, and seeing twinkly lights as you walk by houses, shops, markets. All of it just makes me happy. But this year is different. This year the happiness just isn’t there. Well it is, but it’s been dialled down by about 80%.
This time last year was what I have fondly called my Disney happy ending. I had just completed a course of CBT and was feeling pretty positive about things. I had been promoted at work, but most importantly I was about to marry the most wonderful man. So all in all, pretty amazing Christmas!
The wonderful man has proved himself to be beyond wonderful over the last 12 months. Without him I do not know what kind of mess I would be in. He really is my rock. We have had a pretty awful 6 months, and he has somehow got me through it, and I hope that somehow I have done the same for him. As you may know I had a miscarriage in July, and since then I have been up, down, all over, in terms of emotions. Without sounding like a walking cliche, I have good and bad days. I feel guilty to say it but sometimes I forget what happened for a few minutes, but then I remember and it’s just heartbreaking. If anything I feel as though I’m struggling more now than when it happened. I realise that this is due to me working through the grief, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I feel as though I’m stuck between depression and anger, what a great place to be caught(!)
I managed to get some counselling sessions through work, which has been a real saviour. My GP wasn’t able to help and I’m currently on a waiting list of at least 6 months to see someone. One issue I would like to raise is that at no stage have I been offered bereavement counselling until I started seeing the counsellor from work. Why is miscarriage not seen as a bereavement? How is losing a baby not bereavement? I don’t know how or who to raise this with, but it most definitely needs addressing.
Anyway, the counsellor I’m seeing is fantastic. He’s very matter of fact and straight with me, which is just what I need. My anxiety has made a vengeful return and brought its best friend, depression, with it. I hadn’t really considered that I might be depressed, but it turns out I am. Another one for the list! For now I’m choosing not to take medication, but I am not against it. I just want to make some progress with my emotions. Hang on though please as I’m about to go all ‘naive silly girl’ on you. I just want to feel happy again. I just want to get up, get ready, go to work and not have to worry about any comments about children, or families, or pregnancy. Like I said, naive. I’d just like my filter that cuts out things that upset me to start working again, but I fear it’s beyond repair. My emotions seem to be on constant high alert with tears bubbling under the surface just waiting to pour down my face at any given moment. I just want to be me again. I miss me.
So, back to Christmas! I want to enjoy it. I want to be excited and happy, like I have been every other year since I can remember. At the same time I want to hide away with my husband and wait for it all to be over. If my pregnancy had continued I would have been finishing work tomorrow and going on maternity leave. Instead I’ll be writing a list of jobs to do when I go back in January. At the moment all I can think is I have to just make it through to February, when I was due, and then I can think about starting my life again. I feel as though until February I’m on pause, as though I can’t move on until then. Again I know that’s naive, but right now it’s my coping mechanism. I also know that come February I probably won’t feel any different, but I’ll reassess that once I get there.
For now I am so looking forward to celebrating our first wedding anniversary on Tuesday, just the two of us.