As some of you may know I had a miscarriage in July. I have mentioned it before on the blog, but if you would like to read more this is the link.
While initially I didn’t say anything about what had happened, due to total heartbreak, I eventually wrote a post to share my experience and to show I was not ashamed. I also wanted to raise awareness and show that miscarriage should not be seen as a taboo subject. Just this evening I read a piece on the number of celebrities who have had a miscarriage on Huffington Post & it really resonated with me. Kathie Lee Gifford said of her miscarriage: “Until you experience [a miscarriage] yourself, you really don’t understand the heartbreak of it,”and that it so, so true. That doesn’t mean you can’t be empathetic if you haven’t been through it though.
I really have been overwhelmed by the supportive messages I’ve received since speaking out, but I’m pretty saddened by the glaringly obvious lack of support I suppose I presumed I would receive from certain friends. I don’t expect anyone to have the ‘answer’, but I really did believe I would be able to rely on some people who have been very lacking over the last few months.
What has shocked me more than this is my own reaction to what I’ve been through, and am still going through. I think I managed to trick myself into thinking I would be able to go back to ‘normal’ fairly quickly. I was back in work 2 weeks after my surgical procedure. I just wanted to be busy, and for about a month or so this worked. But then I started to go down into a black hole, the kind of which I’ve never experienced before, and it scared me. I went to see my GP for help but was told the waiting list for therapy is over 6 months.
The last few weeks have been particularly bleak. I don’t want people to think I’m being negative, but it’s not something you can just move on from. To be completely honest, I feel as though people are waiting for me to ‘snap out of it’. Well, that’s not going to happen, and for once in my life I will NOT apologise. Instead I will take my time and grieve, for at the end of the day I have lost my baby. I will not be made to feel as though I am being dramatic. I will not pretend I am OK to make others feel less uncomfortable. I will be selfish and do what is best for me. My emotional wellbeing is suffering and the last thing I need is to be made to feel as though I am being an inconvenience to others. I will take all the time I need to heal. I may not look as though anything is wrong, but you do not know what is going on inside. Never judge a book by its cover.
So, if you have a friend or relative who is going through something similar then I ask you this. Please be patient. We do not expect you to understand, we just need you to be there. Don’t try and tell us it will happen for us, or that at least we can get pregnant. Please don’t say that maybe it was meant to happen like this or that we have ‘plenty of time to try again’. We do not need to hear these words. We just need to know you are there for us. Silence in the sense of staying away does not help. A quick message to check in with us does.
If you yourself have suffered a miscarriage, I send you my deepest sympathy and the offer of support whenever you need it.