I want to set the record straight

As some of you may know I had a miscarriage in July. I have mentioned it before on the blog, but if you would like to read more this is the link.

While initially I didn’t say anything about what had happened, due to total heartbreak, I eventually wrote a post to share my experience and to show I was not ashamed. I also wanted to raise awareness and show that miscarriage should not be seen as a taboo subject. Just this evening I read a piece on the number of celebrities who have had a miscarriage on Huffington Post & it really resonated with me. Kathie Lee Gifford said of her miscarriage: “Until you experience [a miscarriage] yourself, you really don’t understand the heartbreak of it,”and that it so, so true. That doesn’t mean you can’t be empathetic if you haven’t been through it though.

I really have been overwhelmed by the supportive messages I’ve received since speaking out, but I’m pretty saddened by the glaringly obvious lack of support I suppose I presumed I would receive from certain friends. I don’t expect anyone to have the ‘answer’, but I really did believe I would be able to rely on some people who have been very lacking over the last few months.

What has shocked me more than this is my own reaction to what I’ve been through, and am still going through. I think I managed to trick myself into thinking I would be able to go back to ‘normal’ fairly quickly. I was back in work 2 weeks after my surgical procedure. I just wanted to be busy, and for about a month or so this worked. But then I started to go down into a black hole, the kind of which I’ve never experienced before, and it scared me. I went to see my GP for help but was told the waiting list for therapy is over 6 months.

The last few weeks have been particularly bleak. I don’t want people to think I’m being negative, but it’s not something you can just move on from. To be completely honest, I feel as though people are waiting for me to ‘snap out of it’. Well, that’s not going to happen, and for once in my life I will NOT apologise. Instead I will take my time and grieve, for at the end of the day I have lost my baby. I will not be made to feel as though I am being dramatic. I will not pretend I am OK to make others feel less uncomfortable. I will be selfish and do what is best for me. My emotional wellbeing is suffering and the last thing I need is to be made to feel as though I am being an inconvenience to others. I will take all the time I need to heal. I may not look as though anything is wrong, but you do not know what is going on inside. Never judge a book by its cover.

So, if you have a friend or relative who is going through something similar then I ask you this. Please be patient. We do not expect you to understand, we just need you to be there. Don’t try and tell us it will happen for us, or that at least we can get pregnant. Please don’t say that maybe it was meant to happen like this or that we have ‘plenty of time to try again’. We do not need to hear these words. We just need to know you are there for us. Silence in the sense of staying away does not help. A quick message to check in with us does.

If you yourself have suffered a miscarriage, I send you my deepest sympathy and the offer of support whenever you need it.

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24 thoughts on “I want to set the record straight

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve lost four babies-three through miscarriage and our daughter Alice was born prematurely and died after 90 minutes. I can relate to your post. We have a six-year-old daughter and at times I feel like people expect me to stop grieving because we are fortunate enough to have her.
    I’ve started being more open about my losses and it does help me a bit.

    If you need a shoulder, I’m more than happy to listen. X x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Rachel, thank you for your comment.
      I’m very sorry for your losses.
      Lovely to hear you have a little one but that doesn’t change what you have been through. I hope you get support.
      Thank you for the kind offer. Just getting your message is a help but I might take you up on the offer.
      Always happy to talk/listen for you too x

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  2. Grieving takes time I have been so lucky not to experience this so I won’t pretend to know how you feel its difficult for people on the outside to know how to act. When my sons partner miscarried I grieved for my grandchild and I hope this has helped me to understand a little more x sympathy to all that have lost children and please try to forgive our clumsiness, the more brave people that talk about it the quicker we will learn from that point of view thank you for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Loved reading this it was exactly my frame of mind 4 years ago when I had a medical miscarriage.
    I felt because I was only 16 weeks when we lost our little boy people didn’t understand why I was so upset .. I got comments like “well at least you didn’t get full term and find out” and “maybe it was meant to be” which at the time really didn’t help!
    But after 8 months of desperately trying to conceive again just to fill that empty gap I gave up.. and 2 months later fell on with my baby girl. Had that not of have happened I wouldn’t have my baby girl now … which is hard to say out loud, it doesn’t mean I didn’t love our 1st baby.. I loved every single butterfly he gave me and he was ours and although we never met him he will always have a place in mine and my partners heart and now I dont care that no one asks on the anniversary it happened because I remember and so does my partner and that’s all that matters to me!
    You will never get over this but you will smile again. Thankyou for sharing your feelings hun! You are very brave xxx

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  4. I feel your pain. Never forget your partners pain either. Blokes don’t like to talk about their emotions, but nearly 20years later, I cry over our loss. I too will never get over it. I have moved on and we now have two lovely children, but I still carry the emotional pain of our loss. I never got to feel our baby kick, but emotionally I was forever connected with something so precious that I cry whenever I think about those dark moments. I can only begin to imagine the loss a woman has as they know and feel the precious life inside of them, something I never will. You are so brave to write what you have and you must take the time to grieve. The debilitating pain will pass, but you will always feel pain for the little life you created and for whatever reason never came to fullness. You will be a stronger and more compassionate person for those who are suffering similar loss. Your tears you will cry with them will be full of love and emotion. You will recover, but you will always have the pain of loss.

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    1. Hi Bryan, thank you for reading and commenting. I completely agree that it must be so hard for the men in this situation, as like you say men don’t talk enough. It’s so great that you have spoken out. We need more men like you to do this!

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  5. Hi,

    Almost a year ago me andmy husband went into a scan room expecting to find out if I was having a girl or boy. I was exactly 20 weeks pregnant, I was told by the staff there that they were sorry but my babys heart had simply stopped beating. My world fell apart that moment, the only reason I got out of bed was for my 2 little boys. Nothing has seen the same since. Ive had counselling and my husband has been supportive but I no longer trust my body. I have become totally over protective of my children as my worst nightmare is something happening to them. I’ve felt so let down by peoples comments and insensitivity, that she was not a real baby at that point, maybe I should just be glad it happened when it did etc! I know that in my heart she was my little girl that I will never get to know. A year nearly and I still wonder when I will be able to deal with this without crying. My heart breaks whenever I hear of anyone going through this too, but I say stay strong, cry, talk, rant whatever you need to do. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you are doing it wrong. I still get lightening bolts to my stomach when I see people with their new babies. It can make you twisted inside. But I know I will.fins my way eventually. I send my love to everyone out there who has lost a child at any stage xx.

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    1. Hi Fiona, so sorry for your loss. Like you say, you have to grieve your own way and there’s no time limit on that. Crying is a way of grieving and dealing with what happened so maybe it doesn’t stop, maybe it eventually just happens less frequently. You will find your way and hopefully I will too. Speaking out is a great starting point x

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  6. It’s like reading my own words. I feel exactly the same as you. I had a surgical procedure when my babies heart beat stopped at 9 weeks. Three months later I have found myself being told I am having an ectopic pregnancy. I don’t want to go out, work or even smile and I don’t know how I will ever feel happy again. I have a daughter who I am so grateful for but it doesn’t take away the heartache of the babies I don’t have. Thank you from the bottom of my very broken heart for writing such a raw emotional piece, it has really touched me. I wish you all the luck for your future. Xxx

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    1. Hi Julia, so very sorry for you and what you are going through. Have the hospital offered any support? Have you heard of Tommy’s? They’re a fantastic charity who might be able to help. There’s another post on here and it has a link to their contact info.
      You have to be selfish and take time to grieve.
      Thank you for your lovely words about the post. Take care and sending lots of love and hugs xx

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  7. Thankyou for expressing my thoughts too.

    I returned to work today after having my second misscarriage at 11weeks, 11 days ago.
    This time I chose to tell a few people why I had been off instead of hiding. Some people asked if I’d enjoyed my break.

    It’s so wrong that we don’t talk about it. How can it be that it’s ok to tell others about our bowel habits if we have sickness and diarrhoea but something stops us admitting this heartbreak and grief?

    I’ve had two “at least you can get pregnant” comments today plus a you look well after your rest.

    However, I also had a colleague who just gave me a hug and said nothing. That hug got me through the day.

    Take care everyone xx

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    1. So sorry for your losses Liz. Speaking up is hard, but I think worth it if it helps anyone. The comments are unintentionally insensitive, but they still hurt. I’m sending you a virtual hug. Not the same but know I understand x

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  8. Hi Clare, such a lovely and truthful blog post. I suffered a miscarriage almost a year ago (the week before Christmas) and I’ve been feeling very low this past few weeks just thinking about what could have been. It gives me great comfort to know I am not alone and there are others out there who understand how I feel.

    Sending you a big cyber hug xx

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    1. Hi Sarah, thank you so much for your comment. So sorry to hear of your loss. This can be a hard time of year without going through this, so I hope you are getting lots of support. You’re most definitely not alone. If you ever want to talk just get in touch. Sending a hug straight back x

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  9. I have had two miscarriages, the first was in July 2014, I wasn’t aware of being pregnant, and had a scary bleed which didn’t feel right so went to a&e who took a blood test and my doctor then organised a scan which showed there was something there but they couldn’t see if it had a heartbeat. It then came out naturally over the next week. The second was in May 2015 and I had known about it and was a few days before my 12 week scan when I had a little bleeding. I thought it would be fine but a scan showed there was nothing even ever there, so crazy considering I’d been having all the symptoms of pregnancy. Weeks of bleeding and scary things coming out of me, and of scans passed before finally they took it out surgically. I went back to work two days after.
    Both times a few months later I had breakdowns, and I blamed work stress mainly, but after therapy the second time I see now not dealing with things didn’t help, talking was the best help or me, along with medication. I also left my job and after a couple of months recovering and slowly getting back out there volunteering I am now in a job I really like. I still feel pain when I see pregnant women and new mothers but have learnt to accept that it’s ok to feel like that. I asked my therapist when that would stop, she said “how longs a piece of string”. I know now not to fight it, and when we start trying again not to fear failure again. Thanks for your post, it’s good to tell people who understand, I found out through all this who my friends are!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Katherine. So sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing this with me.
      The ladies, and gents, who have shared their losses have really helped and given me strength. If you ever want to chat please get in touch x

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