So it’s early Saturday morning and I’m wide awake. Why?! Weekends are for getting up late and not having to think too much, well certainly not at 7am. Turns out my brain had other ideas! I have my mug of hot tea and the fire is on (it’s cold!). I kind of felt compelled to get up and write, so I apologise in advance for the nonsense that is about to ensue.
I am a walking contradiction. I smile and laugh and make jokes, yet inside I just want to cry. I will go out of my way to help anyone, but am at a total loss as to how to help myself. I think the worst of almost every situation in a matter of seconds, yet will tell others that ‘everything will be fine’. I appreciate I am not the only person who feels this way, and that just makes me think I should stop whinging, but I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right and needs addressing.
Last year I was really struggling with anxiety related issues and had a course of CBT, which helped a lot. I had a great therapist who made me see I wasn’t crazy. Little bit disappointing to be honest! (Did I mention I use humour as a defence mechanism?!) Anyway, while it was incredibly useful at the time, I seem to have forgotten everything I learned. Typical! So I think it’s time for some professional input. I’ve spoken with my doctor and am now waiting to see what is offered. As I could be waiting some time, I think it would be best to put some steps in place to help in the meantime. But what?
I know I’m way too hard on myself, always have been. I seem to have convinced myself that I almost don’t have the right to feel the way I do. I should just ‘get on with things and stop dwelling on the past’. Where has that even come from?! Even as I wrote that I was cringing at how ridiculous it sounds.
So, how to be kinder to myself? Stop the negative thinking, stop pretending everything is OK, ask for help. Three things I’m really bad at! I think my ideal is that someone will just know from looking at me that everything isn’t OK and will make everything better. Completely childish. Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks like this though. Until that amazingly psychic person appears, I guess I better start being a lot less hard on myself. And I suppose what I’m really asking for from you, lovely reader, is some compassion and support, please.
For now I’ll end this rather tough post with a question for you…