So, I had a bit of a ‘breakthrough’ at therapy this week.
Long story short, I have a long-standing issue with needing to please people, to get approval by always doing over and above, to always be in control, to get praise (but thats a double edged sword as it also makes me uncomfortable), to be ‘comfortable’ while still ensuring all the plates are spinning. To be honest its exhausting.
I manipulate situations to suit me. That sounds really bad, but I don’t mean it in a negative way. I think the word ‘manipulate’ is often misinterpreted. I see it that I engineer it so that things work out in such a way so that everyone benefits, although not usually me! Its hard to explain to be honest.
The reason I’m trying to explain this is because I don’t think anxiey is my main problem. I think its a symptom/side effect of the ridiculous amount of pressure I put on myself on a daily basis, and have done for as long as I can remember.
I talked all this through with my therapist and, as always, he tried to make me see the positive side of this long-standing situation. He basically described my ‘need to please’ as a coping mechanism I created at a young age. He actually used the word ‘genius’, but that just makes me uncomfortable, which he knew it would. He meant that being able to create such a strategy at such a young age was a very clever thing to do, not that I’m a genius!
So, although I haven’t yet figured out how to break the cycle of needing to please, I am at least aware of what I am doing and the fact that I need to change it in order to make myself happy, and essentially look after myself.