Saturday 31st May – New Beginnings!

Hello hello!

So, there’s been a bit of a gap again in posts as things have been pretty busy. I have just moved to a new flat. My god it’s exhausting!! There was just so much stuff to pack up and then move to the new place. There are still a lot of boxes and bags to be unpacked, but the main bits are done and I am very thankful for that! I’m also very glad I’ve been lifting weights in the gym as it has certainly helped with moving heavy items of furniture. Although I stupidly dropped part of the bed frame on my foot (no shoes on!), which has slowed me down quite a bit, and turned my poor foot a lovely mix of green and purple. I was so annoyed that I did it, but I was trying to do too many things at once, and was lucky not to break it. At least I have a story to tell from the move!

I have to say that I have struggled a little bit with the change even though I wasn’t happy at the old place. I think it’s a very human reaction to be a little bit unsure when something does change, even when it’s for the best. You get so used to your routine that having it turned on its head can be a little bit traumatic. I will admit I got a little bit upset at the start of the week, but I’m starting to settle in and feel a bit more back to ‘normal’ now.

Speaking of ‘normal’, I had a CBT session yesterday. As usual I thought I didn’t really have much to talk about, but it always amazes me what comes out. I should have made some notes as it was a really useful session, which uncovered a few more of my negative traits. I have a bit of an issue, as already mentioned in a previous post, with always being busy. I am terrible at relaxing. I also do not like to have a slow day at work. I see it as a negative, so I am always looking for something to do. When I spoke to my therapist about it yesterday I came up with phrases like ‘it’s wrong’ or ‘lazy’ to not be constantly busy. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but I genuinely feel uncomfortable if there is a bit of a lull in the day, or god forbid, week. I know realistically that there will be quieter and busier times, and that it would not be good to always be working a 100 miles per hour, but I struggle with it. I also constantly worry that I have missed something, so am often checking and double checking what I have done, and contemplating a ‘plan B’ just in case I have missed something. Again, I know that sounds crazy, and it is really tiring, but I would rather feel as though I am completely on top of everything and be a bit frazzled than just sit back and hope everything is OK. I think this is one of the main reasons that I won’t apply for a new job. It would just be too much to take on right now. I genuinely love my job, although it doesn’t push me as much as it could, and I just worry that if I took on something at a higher level I would be forever checking up on myself. I would love to be one of those people who can just switch off, but I have never been able to do that. It’s just not in my nature. I don’t think I’m uptight, but I am a complete worrier. Anyway, now that I have voiced this in my session it is something we can work on.

This quote pretty much sums up how things go in my head:

The ‘middle ground’ just does not exist for me, in any context. I really struggle to ‘settle’ or ‘take it easy’ with anything. I don’t know why. I have always felt like I have to work harder than everyone else to even be in with a chance of keeping up with them. So, I always go over and above with everything I do. Again, I have admitted this, so now I can try and work on finding the ‘middle’.

I also always feel as though something is missing, as though I am trying to find something, but I don’t know what that ‘thing’ is. This could be linked to the fact that I see the PCOS as a huge stumbling block that negatively impacts so many things in my life so I am trying to find something to fill that void. I don’t know. I’m still working on that one.

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