At this very moment I feel like I can breathe properly for the first time in weeks.
There’s still a whole ball of anxiety in my stomach causing the unhappy butterflies feeling, but it feels a bit smaller than before.
I had my third CBT session today, and it has definitely helped. I basically went in and just went ‘bleeeeuuughhhhhh’ with about a hundred things that were on my mind, and at about 200 miles per hour. I talk fast on a good day, but when I’m excited or really annoyed I talk even faster, so it all kind of poured out of me. There were even hand gestures (not that kind!) to emphasise just how pissed off I was with everything. I kept saying ‘I’ve just had enough and I can’t deal with any more’, over and over. I was at the point of just wanting to give up, go home and hide. You know the fight or flight theory? Well my wings were ready! However, an hour of talking, to basically a stranger, has helped. I haven’t really dealt with anything, but I have voiced a lot of stuff that has been swirling around in my very erratic head.
I have to say I am very lucky with the therapist I have. He is unbelievably patient, encouraging and challenging, exactly what I need. He never patronises me and knows that ‘being nice and sympathetic’ would not work with me. I told him from the start that I need to be pushed and that I often use humour as a defence mechanism, but I spent a lot of today’s session laughing because I didn’t want to cry. I couldn’t deal with getting that upset on top of pouring out a tonne of pent up crap and anxiety. But he knew it wasn’t me not taking things seriously. I’m amazed how comfortable I feel with him. I have a real issue trusting people, due to being let down so many times before and ending up hurt, so I’m really relieved that this is going well, so far!
So although a lot of bad stuff has happened in the last 2 weeks, and more since, it’s not so much that that is the problem. It’s the fact that I haven’t known how to deal with it. I can actually feel the anxious ‘butterflies’ now as I type this. It’s crazy!
I have a real issue with control, or rather the issue is whenever I feel as though I am not in control. I know the PCOS is one thing that I absolutely don’t feel in control of, even with everything I’m doing to improve it. I have to work on how to deal with a situation as and when it arises that makes me feel as though I am not in control, and in order to work towards that I have homework! Yes, I AM kind of excited by the prospect of homework as I am a total geek, and I always want to do well so have already told my therapist I want either a gold star or certificate when I take my homework to the next session. Haha! The best bit was he knew I would want something as I have a real thing about approval. He clearly does listen! So for the next 2 weeks I have to try and record any situations/thoughts that seem to cause me stress/anxiety then look at what physical reaction(s) I have and how I could deal with it in a more positive way. Hmmm. It’s going to be a tough one I think!
Another thing he wants me to work on is relaxing more. Haha! Yeah, this is going to be a real challenge as I just can’t do it. At the minute my idea of ‘relaxing’ is going to the gym twice a week and having a manicure every 2 weeks. That’s not enough apparently. The problem is I can’t see a middle ground when it comes to doing something to relax. I am ‘all or nothing’ with everything, so I either sit and do nothing and feel miserable, or I do something at 100 miles per hour. I really, honestly struggle to see a middle of the road alternative. He said I am far too hard on myself, which I know I am, and I know I shouldn’t do it, but that one just won’t switch off at the moment. So, I need to work on this too.
Sorry about the very long post, but I really wanted to share this with you as in a way it explains a lot of the craziness going round and round in my head at the moment. Hopefully things will start to improve now, even if slowly. Slow progress is better than none, and I’ll take that for now!