Sunday 30th March – Fear of failure and fear of success

Hello and Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful Mums, Grandmothers, and ladies who are part of your lives in any way.

So I finally made it back to the gym yesterday and it was tough! Chris did take it easy on me but it’s scary how much your fitness can drop in just 2 weeks. It’s a great motivator to get you back on course though! 

This is what I did, very badly:

Leg press – 20 reps (1 set at 40kg, 4 sets at 60kg) x 5 
Seated row – 20 reps (3 sets at 40kg, 3 sets at 35kg) x 5
Incline shoulder press – 20 reps (with 5kg dumbbells) x 5
Kettlebell swings – 20 reps (with 5kg kettlebell) x 5

Boxing – 10 rounds of combinations

I found it really tiring but at least I got through it and can now build my strength and fitness back up. I’ve got 3 sessions this week, so let’s hope nothing happens to throw that off course! 

Before the drama of the last 2 weeks happened, I had been suffering with a lot of dizzy spells/light headedness, tiredness, nausea and anxiety, so I went to see the doctor. I had a lot of blood tests done and all the results came back normal. which is great, but also really frustrating as I have no idea what caused it. It hasn’t happened since so fingers crossed it was a one off. 

The anxiety hasn’t been fun. It feels like butterflies in your tummy but higher up, combined with a racing heart and trouble breathing, not great! That has still been happening but considering how bad things have been it’s not really surprising. I have another CBT session coming up this week and I’ve got a lot to talk about. It’s a shame it’s only a one hour session, I could probably go on a lot longer! 
I have just felt so fed up and anxious and I have really started to hate being on my own, but have no energy to talk to anyone. I’m fine while I’m at work as I am so used to putting on the happy act there, but if anyone asks me how I am I just clam up and start to feel anxious. I don’t like not feeling in control. In fact I hate it, but not sure what to do. I feel extremely frustrated with pretty much everything but because I don’t know how to deal with it I resort to putting on the happy face and saying ‘everything is fine’ constantly. Hmm. Not good. 

I did have a brief chat with Chris about things as I seem to be at the ‘self sabotage’ stage again. I do this when things are just starting to go well and I was asking him why I do it. He said that sometimes fear of success can be worse than fear of failure. I’d never thought of this before but it does make sense. As you’ll know if you’ve read any of my older posts, I have a real fear of failure, but I actually think I also have a fear of success. It would explain a lot! A friend sent me this link last night, which also sort of explains what might be causing my self sabotage: http://www.teachpe.com/sports_psychology/motivation_personality.php  
It explains how your personality can affect your motivation, and whether you have a need to achieve or a need to avoid failure. I’d say I fall into both categories, which is typical of me. I can never be straightforward on anything! 

So for now I have a lot to work through but I know I need to stop being so hard on myself. Not something I find easy unfortunately. I’m not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. I always said I would be completely honest on here and this is just part of how I’m feeling at the moment. I don’t want to drive you away so I think that’s probably enough for now! 

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