Wednesday 26th February – A tale of two very different halves

Good evening lovely readers! I hope you are all well. 

So I’m going to split this post into 2 sections:

  • tonight’s training session (obviously!)
  • what I did yesterday…

Here’s the easy bit, well to write at least!

Tonight’s training

2 warm up sessions of:
Standing row x 10 reps
Standing press ups x 10 reps
Squats x 10 reps
Slamball x 10 reps
Boxing combinations (mixture of 2 different ones in sets of 10, then combining the 2 for run throughs – SO GOOD!)
Rowing machine for 60 second sprints (I managed 250 metres each time!)
X 3 

Prowler run with beast on frame – I did one length of the gym ‘running’ and then one length with Chris stood on it! Not to sound too proud of myself, but he weighs 15 stone! (Of muscle!) I’m pretty sure I’m going to feel this tomorrow, but at the moment I am wide awake and pretty impressed with myself. 

OK so here’s the ‘other’ bit of what I’ve been up to…

I went to see a Therapist yesterday to start CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), and thankfully it went SO much better than I thought it would. I had CBT sessions last year for a few months, but it didn’t work out well at all. I basically wasn’t ready for it and was completely closed, defences on lock down. I spent my sessions acting very cheerful (fake) and making lots of jokes (my go to defence mechanism/security blanket). I just couldn’t face addressing what was going on in my head. This was pre-Chris so I was extremely unhappy with my appearance, totally fed up with the PCOS and suffering with a lot of very low periods. All in all a bad combination, especially when you want to open up but also want to protect yourself at the same time. Does that make sense? 

So before I went for my introductory session yesterday I wrote a list of things I wanted to make sure I mentioned as I have been struggling to say how I feel recently. Writing it is much easier. I also spoke with Chris and a couple of close friends about my absolute apprehension of going. It really helped to share my anxieties with people I trust. I was also completely honest with the Therapist about my fears, which he saw as a positive thing, as I was addressing it from the start. I don’t want to waste his time or mine, and am determined to try and work through things, so what’s the point in lying to him? I have to say I’m very glad I have a male Therapist. I find men much easier to talk to and feel as though I will be much more honest with him for some reason. Fingers crossed anyway! 

My next session is in 2 weeks and I feel much more open to it, which can only be a good thing, right? 
He seems to think that self esteem is a big part of my problems, so we’re definitely going to work on that. As you can imagine a lot of that is tied up in the PCOS and how I see it as a failure in me. I don’t say this for sympathy. I have always promised to be honest on here, so that’s what I’m doing. Failure is a BIG issue for me. I am a perfectionist who likes/needs to be in control, and the PCOS is something I have absolutely no control over. Actually, that’s wrong. I do have SOME control in the sense that I am working to improve my symptoms through clean eating and exercise, so I suppose it would be great to feel as though over the course of my sessions I can increase my level of control over things. It’s certainly something to aim for. 

I definitely feel that improvements to my low moods, self esteem and overall anxiety are realistic and achievable with the help of my Therapist, but as with everything it is going to take time. So please bear with me. There will no doubt be a good few ups and downs over the coming months, but I suppose that’s life, isn’t it. 


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