Friday 22nd November – PCOS =

FAILURE
I am back in the grip of a pretty shit spell. I honestly don’t think I can put into words just how quickly it comes over me and the intensity of the negative affect it has. I have been on the brink of tears since I woke up, did not want to come to work, and feel like if someone even looks at me funny I could rip their head off. Don’t you just love hormones. 

I’m fairly certain I’m having a rather intense flare up of the PCOS. The pains in my side(s) has returned and is getting worse each day. This then manages to make me feel even more nauseous than I usually do and completely drained of energy. I don’t know what the connection is but I haven’t felt this tired since my last bad ‘spell’, which was months and months ago. My skin has flared up yet again, and it’s along the chinline/jawline, which I also know is a lovely hormonal side effect. As I have short hair, and am 30 years old, it’s incredibly embarrassing. I wear make up to cover it, but because they’re sore I just want to wash my face, but then there’s no way I would be in work. I’m sorry if I sound like I’m moaning, but I am just so fed up with it all. 
I have been eating healthily for nearly 5 months and training for 4, and to be honest I was really hoping to see a decent improvement in all of this by now. I know it’s just because I’m having a bad few days, but there is such a temptation to say ‘sod it’ and just give up. I know there isn’t a quick fix. God I really know that. I’ve been dealing with this crap for more than half of my life. It would just be nice to have more than a few days of feeling OK. It would be great to actually feel good. I can’t imagine what that feels like. I’m so good at putting on the ‘happy’ act, that when this black cloud descends, I’m completely thrown. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I just want to hide away. 
Why is it so much easier to solve other people’s problems?! That I am good at. 
So anyway, back to the ‘PCOS = failure’. Well to me it does. I have learnt that there are 2 types of failure:
1. What I see as gym failure is actually just something for me to get better at, so a new exercise I can’t do.
2. However, the ‘PCOS failure’ is a much bigger deal. I can’t control it. It controls me. I can’t fix it and I hate that. It’s almost like the ‘monster’ that I’m scared of. You know when you’re little and you’re convinced there’s a monster under the bed or in the wardrobe? But then you grow up and realise it was just your overactive imagination? Well unfortunately mine is a horrible reality that doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon. 
(I do also have a ridiculously overactive imagination and can’t watch anything scary as I genuinely believe there’s something under the bed that’s going to get me!)

If anyone does have a monster (AKA PCOS) ridding potion (that isn’t drugs) then I will love you forever!

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