Thursday 17th October – Learning to deal with the new fear fight

Hi and sorry for the break in posts, again. 

Since my admission on Monday (about my ‘broken head’), I’ve been doing quite a lot of thinking. 

When I started this blog it was to voice my absolute fear of going to a gym and how I was convinced it would all be a complete disaster, hence why it’s called ‘fighting the fear’. However that particular fear has subsided quite considerably. It hasn’t gone away, but I now enjoy training. I think I’ve said this in a previous post, but it is one of the only times my head seems to switch off, and I get a real buzz afterwards for a few hours at least. 

My new fear is the emotional/mental issues that seem to have exploded onto the scene and are causing me all sorts of problems. I honestly never considered that at the start of this. My worry was confined to failing at eating well and being able to manage any exercise. If only that was it! 

I have always suffered with mood swings, ‘low periods’ and I suppose symptoms of depression, but just put it down to the PCOS. I never spoke to a doctor about it, because I thought they’d just tell me to lose weight and do some exercise. Well I’m doing that and although it’s helping in one way, it’s also ironically opened up this whole new labyrinth of fears to try and resolve. I don’t know whether it’s because I am addressing my body issues that this has taken hold so severely, or whether it just couldn’t be buried any more, but in a way I suppose I’m glad it’s happened. I can’t go on feeling the way I do 80% of the time. That isn’t living. I want to be happy above everything and I think I deserve to be. I just think I am going to have to fight hard to get there. 

What I have learned this week is that I know some truly great and lovely people who are willing to be there and support me, and I will be forever grateful to them for that. 
I have been completely honest with Chris about everything, and he has been great, as always. I wish there was a quick fix, but then I suppose I wouldn’t learn anything from that, and in order to get to a good place, I need to go through the process. 

Speaking of Chris, here’s last night’s training session info: 

Giant set:

Split Squat – 4 sets of 15 reps
Leg Press – 15 reps at 60kg, 15 reps at 60kg, 15 reps at 65kg, 15 reps at 65kg
Leg Extension – 15 reps at 30kg, 15 reps at 30kg, 15 reps at 35kg, 15 reps at 35kg
Devils Chair – 30s, 30s, 30s, 30s (Pure evil!!)

Standing Calf Raises:

25 reps (shoulder width)
25 reps (shoulder width)
25 reps (feet together)
25 reps (shoulder width, toes out)
25 reps (shoulder width, toes in)

Prowler run: 70kg x 3 runs to end and back of gym

11 steps with 70kg plus Chris standing on it (extra 90kg) YES that’s right. He stood on the prowler and made me push it. To be fair I’m pretty impressed with myself for managing 11 steps pushing 160kg!! 

Boxing: 3 sets of  100 punches (not enough boxing for my liking. Need to have a word!) 

So, if over the next few weeks/months my posts veer between positive and negative, you’ll know why. 
I will always be as honest as I can here as I hope that while helping me to address my ‘issues’, it might also help someone else out there who might be going through something similar to realise they are not on their own. 


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