Friday 4th October – Mental struggles are much harder than physical exercise

If you’re a regular reader of my blog (then thank you!), you’ll know I struggle a lot with negative thoughts about myself, what I’m doing, and whether I’ll ever get to a place where I am truly happy. 

When I first started this blog I wrote about feeling as though I had a negative devil and a stubborn fairy on my shoulders, both causing me equal amounts of problems! Well at the moment the negative devil, Clifford, has made himself well and truly at home and is dripping an almighty amount of poison into my head. I wrote last night about needing a guardian angel, well I really do. 

I get so fed up of feeling fed up. I want to be happy, truly happy, rather than putting on an act 90% of the time. I want to be content with what I have. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that. I always feel like I’m looking for something better in all aspects of my life. I feel like I should be pleased with myself for the progress I’ve made in the last few months, but all I see are even more issues/problems/things that need to improve. I hate my body more now than before I started eating well and training. All I see are flaws, and so many of them. I don’t feel at all attractive, just awkward and uncomfortable. I would never say this out loud, but ironically writing it down for anyone to read is easier. 

If you had asked me 3 months ago what I thought the toughest part of what I was about to do would be, I would have said the exercise. I never even considered the constant mental battle. I knew I had confidence issues, but because I put on such a good act, I think I even fooled myself that things weren’t that bad. Either that or I was just so downtrodden that I just accepted the crap and put up with it, so to speak. I wish the training was the hardest part. It is actually the only time when I don’t think negative thoughts about myself. Well, I do think that I won’t be able to do the exercises, but I don’t have time to worry about it! 

I’ll be honest, I’m not sure what to do next. I know that what I’m doing is a life long commitment. I know I won’t get quick results, and I’m learning to accept that. I just wish I could sort out my totally messed up head. I’m sorry to be writing the same negative stuff over and over, but it just reflects the repetition of negativity, worry and fear in my head. 


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