Thursday 3rd October – I need a guardian angel

This week has been a really weird one so far. I’ve not been in the best mood at work and I think it’s because I’m not really being pushed at the moment. I know that really I should be looking for other jobs, but I’m not sure what it is I want to do. I am comfortable where I am, but I know that is not a reason to stay. People say I come across as being confident, but I’m not. I just know what I’m doing so I think that is perceived as confidence. I constantly put myself in situations where I’m comfortable, which is why I am still struggling to adjust to all the changes I’ve made in the past few months. I am well and truly out of my comfort zone with the training and healthy eating. Maybe that’s enough of a challenge for now? 

Food today: egg white omelette with ham and mozzarella for breakfast cooked in coconut oil, apple, pork steak with some sweet potato, spinach and peppers for lunch, bolognese and courgette ‘pasta’ for dinner (made with onions, garlic, mushrooms and passata) 

When I was at the gym last night, Chris said I’m still not eating enough good fats, so I’ve really got to work on improving that. Apparently the egg white omelettes for breakfast have to stop! I’m going to switch to proper egg omelettes as of next week. Another suggestion he made was to try adding coconut oil and Kerrygold butter to black coffee!! He sold it very well to me so I gave it a go this morning…..I clearly did something wrong as I still feel ill now. I basically feel like my insides are greasy. Yuck! I don’t particularly like creamy foods, which is ironic given my size, but as this is good fats that I need, I have to change my mindset. I’m going to make it again tomorrow morning but try a different way. It will supposedly wake me up while feeding my brain ‘good stuff’. I’ll let you know how I get on… 

There are still so many things going on in my head that I need to deal with but they scare me. I’m worried that if I say some of them out loud, I’ll have to deal with them and I wouldn’t know where to start. I also worry that if I do talk to someone about them they’ll think I’m a complete fuck up and not bother with me any more, and I will then have voiced my fears for no reason. Who wants to do that?!

I saw one of my friends this evening and accidentally spoke to her about something that has become a major issue for me. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this before as it makes me feel like a complete failure, and I don’t mean in the ‘gym sense’ where failure is not seen as a bad thing. This makes me feel like crying. It actually puts me at a loss for words. 
She was brilliant and listened, but I’m still struggling to put the feelings into words so didn’t really discuss it properly. She was sensible and suggested I ask for help with it, but that just isn’t going to happen. I’m getting upset just writing about it. I find it so much easier to help other people with their problems. I want to ask for help but don’t know where to start. 
Sorry to end this post on a negative, but I’m realising just how much I still have to deal with and I know it’s not going to be easy. I don’t mind hard work, but this is on another level. 


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