Sunday 29th September – The Truth about me and food

I’ve been writing this blog for nearly 3 months and I think I’ve always been honest with how I feel about this whole process, so I thought tonight I’d take it a step further and write about my co-dependent relationship with food up to this point. 

My Mum tried to feed me healthy food from a young age; organic vegetables and fruits etc., and I apparently always enjoyed it. My Dad however used to take me out and feed me ice cream and chocolate and that’s where the problems started! Pretty much ever since I’ve fought a battle between healthy and ‘bad’ food. 

I was put on my first ‘diet’ when I was about 11 years old. It was a calorie counting plan and I’m sure I must have been the youngest person there. I knew from an early age that my weight was an issue, but didn’t know how to improve it. I used to go to dance classes and swimming every week but as soon as I hit puberty it all changed. I was very embarrassed by my body so would shy away from swimming, which had been my favourite form of exercise until I was around 11, and it went downhill from there! 

High School was tough. As the body issues were already well ingrained, I was quiet and shy and had no confidence. I discovered quite quickly that PE was for the ‘popular girls’ and the teachers favoured them over everyone. If you couldn’t play netball then they didn’t want to know. There was no support or encouragement for anyone who struggled, so what was the point in trying? For the next 5 years I turned up for classes but always felt sick and anxious, and if I could get a note to get out of it then I would! I know my problems aren’t based on that experience, but it definitely didn’t help. 

I went on my next ‘diet’ when I was 17. I did one of the famous ones where you count ‘points’ and did quite well on it. My confidence did improve but I still had major body issues. I wasn’t doing any exercise but it didn’t really occur to me to start any, and I wouldn’t have known what to do anyway. My weight stayed steady for the next few years and I was fairly happy. 

My weight fluctuated a little bit at University, but again I didn’t do anything different. I was put on the pull when I was about 19 due to the PCOS (Polycsytic Ovarian Syndrome) as I had always suffered with irregular periods and related problems, and my skin had started to suffer with acne. Over the next few years my weight started to go up. I was in a very unhappy relationship and started to suffer with symptoms of depression. I say symptoms as I never talked to the doctor about it so it wasn’t diagnosed. A mixture of taking the pill, my weight increasing and being in a negative relationship caused me to feel constantly down. I never really had any ‘up’ times and it started to become an issue, so I did the points diet again when I was about 24. I lost over 2 1/2 stone and was really happy. The relationship eventually came to an end and although I was upset at first, I realised it was the best thing for me long term. I also stopped taking the pill as I wanted to feel again. I wanted to be happy! My skin did suffer but it felt like such a small price to pay at the time. 

My skin really suffered over the next few years so I tried different pills, lotions, potions, light machines, everything! It eventually settled down, thank goodness, but then my weight went up again. Talk about swings and roundabouts! Over the past few years I’ve either down ‘dieting’ or exercise, but never both together. Now that I’m doing both I’m positive and negative about everything. I’m seeing positive results, but that negative voice is still in there. Because it’s going well (so far) there’s more to lose (pardon the pun!) and I’m terrified of messing up. I suppose that’s also motivation to keep going though. A bit of fear is a good thing as it stops you being complacent, so I’m going to let that one go and work on not being so hard on myself.

This has been a life-long battle, and I think it always will be, but it’s one I’m prepared to fight all the way until I win

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