Sunday 11th August – not a happy post

I am beyond disappointed with myself today. I hadn’t cried in weeks until this morning. I feel like I’ve gone back about 10 steps and can’t see the other side of this darkness that’s hanging over me like a never-ending black cloud. Everything just feels like such hard work and I really don’t think I can be bothered. I don’t want to be bothered, with anything. In fact I’d be more than happy to curl up in a ball in bed and stay there. 

Could someone kindly tell this miracle to hurry up? 

There isn’t one thing that has set this off. It started yesterday and has now taken full, unrelenting, control over me. I’m sure this sounds completely pathetic and self indulgent, but I am so fed up of caring what other people think. It’s exhausting constantly worrying that people are judging me and waiting for me to fail. Why can’t I just stop caring? Great, more tears! 

So this is one of my main problems. I do care about other people’s approval far too much than I should, or is healthy. How do I change this though? Does anyone have a magic wand that can rid me of all these insecurities? I wish! 

I’m also fed up of people letting me down. Why is it that when you’re having a hard time they’re nowhere to be seen, but the minute they have a problem you’re expected to drop everything? It would just be nice for someone to make the effort and ask me how I am. Although would I really let them see that the mask of positivity I wear pretty much constantly has well and truly slipped today? Doubtful. 

I’m getting pretty fed up of fighting. I’d just like to get to the other side with some sense of happiness and positivity in place. 


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